Water Features

“Large grey ’72 kombi, seven surfboards on the roof, demanding my presence inside it, hollering, “How much do the tangerines cost? Quanto custa istu tangerinas?” And its bearded driver decoding the subtext of “Let’s hit it, ek se,” while the chemist lady gives me the gaff on the Larium side-effects. “Some people  have very vivid dreams…”

So begins a twisted, water-fuelled surf trip through Mozambique, Elvis worship, rave culture, the Transkei and the politics of Glad Eye. We’re all 90% water, walking water features, which explains the popularity of everything from porn fetishes to Port Elizabeth’s Pipe parking lot. The gender sweat differential, though, continues to baffle.

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Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler