White Man Selling Points!

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Open Letter To The Black Women of Mzansi:

By Hagen Engler

Black ladies, are you romantically intrigued by white men? No? Well, maybe you should be! I know you’ve seen us white boys around. I know you’ve been checking us out. Even if it is with a mixture of curiosity, disdain and grim fascination. We’ve got something, right? Of course you’re not altogether sure what that is. It’s hard to pinpoint, seeing as we all look exactly the same, with our spiky, gel-product hairstyles, jacket-shirt-and-jeans combos, four-days-a-week gym bodies and half-finished upper-torso tattoo jobs.

So, having given it some thought, I’ve come up with a few points to help you. A few white male selling points you might be interested in…

We’ve got bucks!

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© Foxygrl | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Okay, not actual bucks. It’s not like we have any real, cash money on us. We know people with money, so we could get money if we really had to. From our parents or some affluent friends who’ve done well for themselves. I’m not saying we’d be able to raise a ransom if you kidnapped us. Though we probably could. I’m just saying we know lots of people with nice houses. At the coast and at Harties and, like, Dainfern and stuff. Please don’t kidnap us, though.

We can braai!

© Ichtor | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Ichtor | Dreamstime Stock Photos

We might not have initiation rituals where we are whisked off into the bush to be instructed in the mysteries of manhood and our foreskins are removed. But we do get to watch our dads braai twice every weekend. The principles of slow-and-low, microwave chicken first, have water handy and don’t prick the boerie are inculcated in us from an early age. And the moment when we are handed the ceremonial braai tongs of power while Dad goes inside for a piss is an induction into manhood and admission to a sacred brotherhood that we will never leave.

We speak so well!

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© Alexandru Mitrea | Dreamstime Stock Photos

You think you guys are articulate? You think you can speak well? We might not get the backhanded compliments that “you people” get when you deliver a grammatically correct presentation, but we are the kings of English. So if you need any help with proofreading your business report before you submit it, feel free to ask. And the name for it isn’t Grammar Nazi. That is insulting to Jews, Germans and copy editors. You probably mean pedant.

We’re too chicken to have affairs!

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© Martin Muller | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Not all of us, sure. And it’s not like we don’t lustfully glance at the arses of women in sheer purple leggings at the gym. Or coincidentally position ourselves on the treadmill directly behind the stairclimber she’s using. But when it comes to converting that buttock appreciation into a parallel marriage complete with paying someone’s rent, buying them a car, fathering their children, bhedjaring them with pocket money and sneaking off every week to visit them, we couldn’t be bothered. And we can’t afford it. And we suffer from white guilt so we’d hate ourselves for it. And we’re terrified you’d find out and kick our ass to next Friday. Actually I’m generalising. That’s just me.

We can rock shorts!

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© Judy Ben Joud | Dreamstime Stock Photos

White men are able to wear shorts well into adulthood. We appreciate their subtle variations. There is the surfing boardshorts approach for beachwear. Gym shorts and running shorts for actual exercise, rugby shorts – for rugby, obviously – and also braaivleis.  Judron is the traditional rugby-short brand and it goes great with braai tongs. There are the various “long-shorts” hipster options to be worn without socks, and the epic, nylon “tiny shorts” with a zip fly and a little change pocket favoured by older gentlemen.

We golf!

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© Jxpfeer | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Sometimes we rock those tiny shorts on the golf course, while we are busy making shady, million-rand deals with our business associates in the white-monopoly-capital game. But we’re more likely to be sneaking Castles from the six-pack we’ve secreted in the golf cart, sharing smokes on the fourth tee and talking about this woman’s arse that we saw on the stairclimber at gym. If you want some advice on your swing, though, we’ll be glad to help. Keep your left arm straight and your head down. Follow through.

We really love rhinos!

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© Galina Barskaya | Dreamstime Stock Photos

We are far more likely to campaign for the right to life of the rhinoceros than for human rights. That doesn’t mean we don’t care for oppressed humans. It’s just that we don’t spend much time in informal settlements to witness the economic subjugation of our countrymen and -women. We have been to the Pilanesberg, though, and watched newborn rhinos gambol at their mothers’ heels. Ag, it’s cute, man. So if the rhino is saved from extinction at the hands of Asian poaching syndicates, it will be thanks to the efforts of white South Africans. If human inequality is eradicated, probably not.

And that’s about it, really

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Looking at it in black and white now, I’ll admit that we don’t seem such an attractive prospect. White men do have other specialities like the English Premiership, attending the H20 outdoor electronic music event, owning a drill and, well, cunnilingus – not to put too fine point on it. But it would be churlish to believe these were exclusive to us. Our most attractive character traits will often be completely unique to us as individuals, and not shared with other members of our skin set. So I encourage you to investigate the mysteries of white boy, aka The Piglet, The Other White Meat. Fans of The Piglet seem quite satisfied with the experience they are getting, so by all means consult with these ladies and then say howzit when you see us. Say at H20, or somewhere like that.

This is from the book Marrying Black Girls For Guys Who Aren’t Black.

Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler

(3) Comments

  1. Hi Hagen, I’m reading this post of yours quite a long time after it was actually posted so i hope you are not put off by my delayed commentary. I actually came onto your website in search of some sort of insight into the white male psyche after having a conversation with a couple of my black girlfriends regarding their outlook on interracial relationships. I need to be specific here and say WHITE SOUTH AFRICA MEN. See my friends and i are quite attracted to white men, well we’re not race specific in terms of the men we date but our friendship circle is dominantly white. White Afrikaans actually. I am the black best friend at every white wedding type of thing. My experience with white guys has been quite discouraging in that i have a lot of these white guy friends who will tell me i’m pretty and compliment me endlessly but will never make a move to ask me out. When i’m out and about however there will be random old white men who make “hey baby” remarks at me which do nothing but piss me off.

    So i want to know: where are the white guys you speak of? the white guys who are young and will date a black girl in their youth if they want to. The young white guy who is not driven by fear of judgement or what “his people will say?” That’s the kind of guy i would say most black women are looking for. I know that’s what i’m looking for.

    So my QUESTION: Why do some white south african men who are obviously attracted to black women in their youth, wait till they are old, divorced from a white woman, and have a “screw everyone else” mindset before they actually start pursing black women?

    See the challenge that my friends an i have is that we are friends with Afrikaans people who have a lot of white guilt. It’s therefore difficult to have certain conversations with them. This is one of those conversations. I feel i’ve just babbled pointlessly all over this comment space but i hope you’re able to shed a bit of your insight. Also if you have a friend or two who is currently looking to meet a black girl holla back… i promise i’m nice.

  2. Hi Hlengi. True to form, I’ve been slow to reply. But it’s a tough one to asnwer because I can’t exactly read the minds of my countrymen. But I think your instincts are correct. Growing up, we are reluctant to go against the conventions of our community. Also, we might not have the cultural ability to interact meaningfully with people from a very different background. On a superficial level, sure, but deeper relationships are hard, because your cultural baggage really comes out. The best is to look out for white guys who are trying to come to the black way of thinking, not necessarily just looking for black girls. If they can understand black people, and the black perspective, then having a relationship with them would be easier. I’m worried about fetishizing black women, but if it started out that way, I’ve certainly got an education in reality since then!

  3. Hello Hagen I have been following and reading and so much attracted to white guys I would love to date an even marry a white guy but I have never been approached by a white man before.I lI\’ve in capetown so please any help on this

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