White Boy Things

I’m the kinda white boy who clings to all of his white-boy things.
If I could rock a mic like one of those hip-hop homies, perhaps this track’d be more like that and not about that. But you can’t help that, any more’n you could make a coloured guy like Nkalakatha, if he doesn’t already. Like, maybe he’s into R&B, unlike me. I’m into U2. Since ’92. I dug them then an’ I still do. Achtung Baby, bru. And the one called Zoo. And the one with the big lemon too.
Cos I’m the kinda white boy who clings to all of his white-boy things.
I buy two-tone tops when I’m at the shops. I get my chops sommer cheap-cheap at my china’s chop shop. I get tattoos that go round my arm, but skip this section here by my bicep where the skin’s lank sensitive. I got lank sensitive skin, I scheme I’m getting skin cancer or something. Got these spots on my arm, on my nose. Scheme you can get rid of those? It’s a helluva thing.
But I’m the kinda white boy who clings to all of his white-boy things. I support the Lions coz the good on attack, and they got the best backs. But they still a bit crap, so by the end of the season I’m back to backing the Bulls, even though the closest I got to the land of Victor Matfield is the time I threw up my monkey-gland off the Richter in Hatfield. Some clubs ’at side and some in Sunnyside, but I reckon I’ll stay this side.
Cos I’m the kinda white boy who clings to all of his white-boy things.
DStv? I got it.
Now 53 CD? I want it.
New Mercedes? I’m on it.
Wicked Weber braai on my balcony? You better believe I got it. Cos buddy, I’m a kinda white boy like any other white boy, unlike any other white boy you seen. You might think you know me, but nah. You don’t know me, so bra…
I’ll give you respect, you give me respect back and we fine.
I’ll give you respect, you give me respect back and we fine.

Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler

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