The Illuminati Own Up

In an earth-shattering exclusive, representatives of shadowy global power-broking elite The Illuminati have spoken out about their top-secret power cult.

In a no-holds-barred interview, 49th-degree freemason the reverend monsignor Adolf Pius XVI Bush has taken responsiblity for every pogrom since the Renaissance, both World Wars, the sub-prime mortgage crisis and the whole sordid, funny-handshake, old-buddy-old-pal cronyism that has prevented most people from becoming millionaires and chairmen of their kids’ PTA.

Pius said that with people becoming more aware of esoteric cults and secret societies these days, most people already knew about the existence of their supposedly top-secret organisation, which has been the invisible all-seeing-eye, freemasony, black devil cult controlling our society since forever.

Their cover now pretty well blown by recent paranoid sensationalist movies like Conspiracy Theory, The Game and The Da Vinci Code, as well as by every second poncy, new-agey revisionist author and most people who’ve taken too many hallucinogens, the Illuminati have decided to own up.

“The fact that everybody knows that it’s actually us who run society by holding satanic rituals and mind-controlling world leaders makes it rather pointless for the Illuminati to pretend we’re a secret society,” said a statement faxed to us with a picture of the pyramids, something in Latin and a drawing of Mitt Romney on it.

“With this in mind, the Illuminati have decided to scale down our social engineering activities and move into the formal sector. We will be opening the first of our chain of All-Seeing I-Cafes in August.

“Other forthcoming attractions from the new publicity-hungry Illuminati are the marketing of a handy home satanism kit and a virtual internet tour of the chamber of knowledge hidden below the hindquarters of the Sphynx, which we’ve known about for years but have only now decided to exploit commercially.”

Signing off, Pope Adolf said, “In future, society will have to govern itself and organise its own wars, mind control, abductions and fourth-dimension channelling. We believe our absence will be sorely felt.”

the Illuminati’s business plans received a temporary setback when their lawyers received a civil claim for 200 000 000 tons of gold from South and Central America as compensation for the Spanish Conquest. Also pending is litigation from the Middle East arising from the Crusades and everywhere that ever got colonised by anyone ever.

Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler

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