Lobes make the man: distinguishing features

We were checking out Sophie Ndaba’s teeth on Generations the other day, when we realised that was exactly the thing that made us like her. We’ve been carrying a torch for uQueen for decades, and never been able to put our finger on why. Meanwhile it’s her massive teeth! It’s like she realigned her incisors in the Nineties while opening a SparLetta. And now that’s precisely what makes her sexy.

In fact, in a lot of cases, it’s people’s distinctive physical characteristics that make them sexy. Here then, a tribute to those unique aesthetic proclivities that make our stars to special…

Simphiwe Dana’s scar

It’s a mark on her right cheek, sustained in a car crash in 2005 while on the way to a performance in Vereeniging. This distinctive feature helps to make the jazz queen’s regal power even more unique, confirming her status as one of the true beauties of our age. Don’t get into a twitter squabble with her, though.

Msholozi’s cranium

Our esteemed president has a head with two prominent cranial lobes, front and back, the rear one apparently functions as a plumbing fixture for Zapiro to attach a shower to. Such disrespect!

Anele’s gap

Smile it wide, and smile it proud, girl. The most defiant gap in South African show business is to be found blazing from the vivacious face of radio DJ and TV show host Anele Mdoda, as well as every event she chooses to attend. That gap cannot be stopped! You get the impression if she tried to keep that gap hidden there would be a disruption of the time-space continuum.

Loyiso Gola’s tallness

Some tall okes get this gangly, awkward thing going that makes them kind of charming. Other dudes play it in an intimidating way. Not so much Loyiso. He just happens to be tall. You get the impression it exasperates him sometimes, like when he has to stand at the back at a hip-hop show, so he doesn’t obstruct anyone’s view. You don’t notice it on TV, but first time you see him in person, you’ll be like, “Dude! You a tall motherfucker!”

Helen Zille’s face

We’re not sure what she did to it, but that face of hers looks way tight. Maybe somewhere behind her left ear there’s a screw she tightens before she goes out in the morning. Perhaps it’s next to the “Insensitivity Boost” button. Ag, she means well.

Mpumelelo Mbangwa’s afro

A ratel, ready to rawl

He’s one of our greatest cricket personalities. Great insight into the game, excellent opinions and a soothing tenor voice that would lull rawling ratels to sleep. Since he cut his dreads, his hair has been like an unchained lion. It’s just reaching for the sky! It will not be tamed by man, nor beast, no grooming products. Well done on the afro, sir.

Gaps in our understanding:

Why, guys? We loved those gaps!

Not Ringo

Ringo Madlingozi

Once the most recognisable bit of dentistry, or the lack thereof, in the entire afro-pop canon, has now been tidied up to the point where if Ringo appears without his headband, he is almost indistinguishable from post-meltdown Tiger Woods.

Joelle’s gap

Eish, sister. We loved that thing. Clearly an international supermodel needs to be accessibScreen Shot 2014-06-22 at 6.57.40 PMle to all potential clients. But Joelle Kayembe’s gap had us hypnotised for days. Sure, she’s about to go on to even greater fame and fortune as a presenter for Trace TV, but for those of us who knew the gap, it’ll be sorely missed.

Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler

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