Marrying Black Girls For Guys Who Aren’t Black

hagen-engler-nomfundo-engler-wedding

Are you a guy? And you’re not black? And you dig black girls?
Not just to look at their asses from a distance, but actually to talk to them and ultimately try pomp them?

And then actually pomp them and start going out in public together and stand in the queue at movies with them and all that? Go to braais and say, “This is my girlfriend Letsego?” or Lonwabo, or Sibu, or Kate because she grew up with a white family. Or whatever.
If this sounds like you, and you follow things through to their natural conclusion, you may even end up marrying your babe, differently coloured as you might be.
It happened to me, so I have prepared a list of tips.

Marrying Black Girls for Guys Who Aren’t Black:
           
Prepare to not follow the conversation
You’re not black, so don’t even try to be. Maybe you know some Xhosa, maybe you’ve had black friends all your life, maybe you been building RDP houses in Katlehong for the past ten years. But you’re not black. When you hang with her mates, you will spend a lot of time staring blankly into the middle distance, smiling vaguely, while people bellow at each other in vernac, laugh their arses off and generally have more fun than you. If you stick with it, you’ll get to meet her family, where the same scenario will play itself out times a hundred.

Prepare for the speeches
African culture is big on making speeches. Cultural ceremonies are basically extended talk shops where the okes – the men, mostly – get to showcase their thousand-year-old debating skills. African culture is basically a massive, continent-wide Toastmaster’s club. While everyone’s making speeches you don’t understand, nod politely, and only ask what was said afterwards. Sooner or later they’ll ask you to say something. Keep it concise, because you’re about to make a total cock of yourself.

Lobola: a minefield
It’s supposed to be a patriarchy, but in reality most black kids are raised by women. Lobola negotiations are supposed to be handled between the uncles of your two clans. A quick check will confirm that you have only three uncles, two of whom now live in Australia, and Oom Johan, currently on probation for assaulting his farm workers. On her side, there will be roughly 27 uncles, brothers, half-brothers, half-uncles, cousin-uncles and cousin-brothers. They will all insist they are the right person to conduct lobola negotiations with.

You are a racist: face it
You can marry six black babes in a row and you’ll still be a racist. We all are. Being a racist is part of being South African. Luckily, she’s one too. You okes are made for each other. Just admit it at every opportunity then wallow in your inbred racial prejudice and bigotry. Park in front of TV talking in ethnic accents, ripping off every race group in turn. Every now and then you’ll wade into a political debate with an unthought-through clanger of such ignorant racism you’ll shock yourself. Don’t stress about it. You can still marry her.

Embrace the B
Choice of music remains one of the most powerful cultural signifiers. So unless you’re dating earth’s only black female fan of Facing The Gallows, you’re going to be listening to a lot of R&B. There will be Beyonce, yes, but old-school stuff you didn’t know existed. Try Silk, Tamia, Johnny Gill, Shai and Tevin Campbell. And you will never get to like it. It will be a living hell every time you hear it. On one occasion you’ll drive the whole way from Sandton to Kempton listening to Forever My Lady by Jodeci. Oh, and your Bon Iver will not be tolerated. Trivium? Forget about it.

Black babe = gold digger
Ja I know. Not necessarily. But to your folks that’s all she is. So they’ll insist on a pre-nup to stop her stealing your family’s dynastic fortune. Even if her dad’s a company director, and your old man’s a caretaker at the Boknes caravan park. Life will suck at this point. And you’ll have a moment in the lawyer’s office where you’ll want to rip your face off. But on some deep, twisted level, there’s a certain pride in being a target of gold-digging. Misguided as that pride may be.

You get a new wife every month
Because black women do hair like nobody else does hair. Your babe will pop off to get her hair done at ten in the morning, and return, like, eleven hours later! When she left she’ll have looked like Keri Hilson, and she’ll come back looking like Diana Ross the time she dropped her toaster in the bath. It’s disturbing having your lady look completely different and you’ll be shocked when she first walks in the door. But don’t give the game away. Try not to gasp – she’s invested eleven hours in this, after all. Practise saying, “Wow! You look amazing.”

You’re going to have to defend your territory
When you go out with a white babe, guys seem to at least grant you the basic respect of waiting till you’re not around before they try to woo her away from you. Not so much with black ladies. You can be standing right next to her at the gym, and some dude will grab her by the arm and ask her where she’s from. Policemen will wolf whistle her while you’re walking right next to each other. Beggars at the robots will tell her she’s phakile. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take someone by the throat and threaten to rip his fuckin’ eyes out. Think of it as a romantic gesture, defending your lady’s honour. You old smoothie, you.

Cultures clash
Have you ever bought something on lay-bye? How do you rate the taste of umleqwa compared to normal chicken? Do you want some of this delicious tripe? Aren’t you dying for some magwinya? Aren’t you broken that Oprah’s off air? Not? Well maybe you a white oke going out with a black babe. Or, to be honest, maybe you’re me. Let’s stop pretending these things are universal – these are just some examples of what I’ve experienced in my relationship. And to generalize is to engage in racist stereotyping, and we agreed we’re trying to cut down on racism. As if that’s possible.

I’m pretty happy indulging my personal case of jungle fever, and if you’re into something similar, I wish you the very best of polychromatic good luck. Maybe I’ll see you guys out some night. At a Kenny Lattimore concert or some shit like that…

LIKE THIS? TRY THESE!

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White Boy Things

Writer for print and digital, corporate and editorial. Musical performance, spoken word. The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book Stuff (South African) White People Like, with Christian Lander, out soon. Raised by gnomes. Sued by clowns. Fed by words.

(97) Comments

  1. About the hair….well we just love variety:-)…And I love how you have learnt to deal with this:-). I could not get the mental pictures out of my mind especially bout the Diana Ross hair(LOL) :-)

  2. Classic stuff! Thanks for posting. Would be awesome to see a 'Marrying White Guys For Girls Who Aren't White' follow up from your wife.

  3. Such truths! As a black female id say you hit the nail on the head. Although…. Id probably have to hire somebody to play my Uncle for the Lobola Negotiations, and I LOVE BOn Iver! listening to blindsided right now!And yes would be awesome to hear the tail from the other end.Love it!

  4. Brilliant reading! I'm now behind on my work that I desperately need to finish before lunch because of this great article!!! Keep them coming. Having gone out with predominantly white girls, it's awesome seeing the “other” perspective. Thanks bud and wishing you all the best for the future!!!

  5. I'm a black woman so understand the hair thing. Been rocking my natural'fro for 4 years, no more hair dramas. Would like to hear your wife's perspective being married to a white guy though.

  6. Wonderful read on how being black is an amazing life. I laughed and smiled with PRIDE as you relayed your snap shot view of who we are :-):-) It definitely takes a person with a great sense of self to be in an inter-racial relationship. ENJOY IT!!!!!

  7. Where would u even begin looking for a white mate. Some black girls find it hard as it seems white men only go for black women who don't quite embrace their blackness? Are white men afraid of us??

  8. Vuyelwa Portia Xola - Reply

    You are spot on and funny too,gosh, umleqwa and umgqusho (samp and beans) total heaven, I like the part about trying not to gasp, you are really a funny guy.

    Vuyelwa

  9. Wow! This is so true,and I love that it is not malicious, its written in good humor. Well done. I will keep coming back for some more of your writing.

  10. Great article, love its honesty especially the admitting that we are all racist and it gives me an idea that at least in your relatioship with your wife, no one feels patronised

  11. Clay, funny you should say that! This piece was originally commissioned by Mahala. And they've just asked me to interview my babe for a follow-up on exactly the topic you've suggested. Look out for it soonish!

  12. Great read, indeed. I actually heard about your blog on Metro fm- Glen and Unathi. Never laughed so hard at reality, nxa stuff bhaba,.eita daar!

  13. Awesome read! As a black woman I would like to assure you I know Bon Iver is awesome as is Band of Horses, Newton Faulkner, Matt Nathanson, Keaton Simons, Nada Surf…. I could go on! Beyonce could sneak her way into a playlist though! I'm just saying!

  14. this is hilarious , wish i could share it with the White non South African guys i date Outside South Africa. and they best appreciate that i hate R&B as a black woman. thanks for not mentioning what we put on our heads at night -

  15. I know I am late with my response but as a black woman dating a white man I bow down to you for hitting the nail on the head!!!

  16. I wanna hang out with this dude,I'll share my point of view of dating white girls as a black man :). A 5min radio show will be awesome.

  17. As a black non south african woman, I 'll admit a lot of the foods you mentioned and bands are not familiar but your writing is so hilarious i laughed out loud anyway. The diana ross imagery was so right!

  18. Can I just say – as a black South African girl who grew up listening to Shai, Silk, Blackstreet (NOT Backstreet Boys) lol, I only learnt of Bon Iver this year, as the song was used in an ad I worked on!! #truth. Lovely piece. Timeless!!

  19. Hi Hagen I loved this article please write an article about Marrying White Guys for Girl Who Aren't White”. We need preparation too lol

  20. Hi Hagen I loved this article please write an article about Marrying White Guys for Girls Who Aren't White”. We need preparation too lol

  21. This was really funny! And true! lol, the thing about getting a new wife was making me roll on the floor. And 11 hours is not an exaggeration, i would know. Thanks for writing this humorous, light and fun piece

  22. As always, thank you guys so much for the feedback. Keep it coming. There is now a book in the works based on this article, and the piece is far and away the most popular on the blog. At the moment it has been viewed more than 10 000 times.

  23. Irene von Buddenbrock - Reply

    Wow could not stop laughing while reading this. I'm like 22 and married and my husband happens to be white, I'm sure he would so agree with you and your point not all but most of them. A very interesting read indeed.

  24. hahahah,couldn't stop laughing…very enlightening hey…actually ive been around with white okes who are fluent in xhosa,eat amaG(gwinya) with us…lool @ blacks women hairdo's.

  25. hahahaha, this is awesome stuff, i suppose almost the same things go through my bf’s mind. LOL, but at least i’ve managed to keep the same hair style pretty much ever since he’s known me :D, Well, not that i was avoiding shocking him with different ones, i just prefer it this way. Good blog man, i love it!

  26. Glad you like it, Eulenda. You are also the first poster to the new WordPress iteration of this blog. Thanks for popping in, and look at for my new book – based on this very blog post. It’s called, obviously, “Marrying Black Girls For Guys Who Aren’t Black”.

  27. I been dating a beautiful young Black Woman for over a year now, and it’s been great – now that I’ve read your article I feel SO much better that I’m not the only one experiencing what I do. Thanks for such a light humored description of life with a Black woman.
    Can’t wait to get your book.

  28. I have been dating a beautiful black lady for about three years now. We are very much in love and will be marrying shortly. It takes a bit of getting used to, especially where she has 27 uncles and I have none, so the lobola could be tricky. We both livr in Pietermaritzburg so we do get awkward looks from on a daily basis. Some of her lady friends are now getting jealous and also wanting to get hold og a white guy.

  29. I laughed so much when you mentioned the part about starring into space when she is around her friends as well as family. Don\’t worry that happens to black men as well – when a black woman is surrounded by her girls, there is no place for the man, hence when you go to family gatherings the women are grouped together either in the kitchen or the bedrooms and the men have their place in the garden. Congratulations on the publication of the book.

  30. Love this, cant wait to get my hands on the book. I can so identify being a South African Married to a West African. I put my best grin forward when friends and family from hubby’s side come over. And all the people I meet that will greet me as “my brothers wife” (I know both his brothers and none of them are in Jozi). Or when I get referred to as “our wife” when I know for a fact I married just one man.

  31. Interesting. Came across your clip on power fm with Azania and I was like great I must get this book.I\’m not in a relationship but I find myself dreaming about white men!! Never been with one. Infact I\’m so militant about the advancement of african people, you would swear I was racist. But they\’ve become appealing to me. You will find me actually admiring a white male then I have to scold myself for betraying my affirmative action principles. Curious!

  32. As a ‘coulored’ guy from Cape Town marrying a Latina in Costa Rica, I laughed at this because I can relate to so much of what you’re saying regarding language and culture. And the hair.

  33. freakin hilarious!im a black chic n ive had 3 different hairstyles in the past month…I find it therapeutic- ha ha ha
    …I nearly died from laughter at the hair bit…..such digestible honest with a side of comedy

  34. Interesting article. I am a black South African woman dating a man from Serbia, and I know that my man will have to deal with some of the culture differences when he meets my friends and family – I felt the exact same thing when I was in Serbia visiting him. The hair thing is the biggest thing – I have had there hairstyles since September, but he seems to love it. Think I will send him the link to this article, or better yet, buy him the book for Christmas. Thanks for the honesty – I am such a racist too!

  35. My man, EITA!, When I read the article title I was thoroughly intrigued. Kak Funny in parts. For someone who’s not very big on speeches, I can draw consolation from the fact that I get down with that Old school RnB – hahahaha, its so weird how each and every artist you mentioned there in jest, are like in my top 10! Hai Shame.

  36. I loved this blog, totally funny. the comment about the RnB killed me. RnB is just good music, and I just dont understand how you cannot know it, LOL, Jodeci are legendary in the game! I will be sure to get your book, need a good laugh.

  37. Wow, will print this for my husband, he is French and it will be his 1st time seeing my parents after 4 years of marriage, we live in France, he is going to have the shock of his life, even thou most of the things u mentioned he has had the pleasure of living them, But the situation can be worst like, \”Black SA women married to white French man\” but LOVE makes it a wonderful adventure, Thank you for sharing.

  38. Pingback: Marrying a black girl: A guide for white boys | The Diary of Stoned Love Child

  39. Haha, this is a awesome blog. Sharing your experiences in an interracial marriage is insightful and the way you wrote it is just hilarious, now that I have read this I would like to know your wife’s experience as well. Good one bud.

  40. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time! I’m a black zulu girl married to a white Australian and we are both rolling on the floor with laughter :) so true :)

  41. As a foreigner (Nigerian) who has lived, schooled and worked in South Africa going on 11 Years… I can relate. The shock with the new hair is something I have had to deal with quite a few time. Awesome read, South African women love their R’n’B.

    Stay Blessed.

  42. Hagen U so rock its not funny….u wrote article in 2012 and here i am at the end of 2013 launghing my ‘kop af’….i shared it with some friends and it beat all bed time stories… good command of english and it so takes off that heavy burden we carry every day…yah u know that thing…MJ said it better B and W…i wish you better years in your marriage, laughter and more and more loving…and of course filling the earth, the black way….

  43. Funny,lighthearted but very true. My boyfriend is white and has started taking on my black habits like clicking when he’s annoyed and using ‘sies’ for situation that are not that gross but rather shameful . What’s worse he has started using what I have taught him on me yelling ‘waphapha’ at any prized opportunity. I am working on his dance moves as, no matter how much he loves Mafikizolo, he cannot manage that ‘wedding step’.

  44. Like really. You think saying you are racist is cool. And you’ve reduced African women to an ass. And people think your blog is cool. I have something to add to list being a African girl… please have your IQ tested before your ass shows up because I would never date a man whose IQ is as low as ….trailing off… I don’t date losers no matter what color they are…..so this stupid article is just telling white men that it is OK with just being white and lucky I’m I being black and all that a white man has selected me. And blogging is not your purpose in life. Your blogging needs to add value….not make people think racism is cool. Retire this blog. Educate yourself, improve yourself, leave the world better place than you found it. Otherwise your articles just show what kind of human being you are. Sad and pathetic….newsflash we are 2013 Hitler is not recruiting. OR is your niche market uneducated white men? I don’t get how people could think this as a cool article. are they also illiterate? GRRRRRRRRRRR.

    • Nina, most people here, including myself, enjoyed reading this. Question is, what’s wrong with you!!?? What he wrote above is a very honest writing: things we may all notice and never bother to comment about, and he did. So Nina, deal with it. Don’t a social recluse.

      • Sorry, Thabo I had no idea an article like this would be funny to anyone especially post apartheid. Maybe, I’m too sensitive….lol. I don’t know why people got mad at Justine Sacco when she said she was going to South Africa and that she hoped she would not get AIDS….mmmh…..Seems you guys find humor in anything!!

  45. Forwarding this to my boyfriend RIGHT NOW… Hahaha he still struggles to grasp the Lobola concept but we still laugh it off ( early days now but sh**t will get real soon enough). Well I guess on the general you are right and I’m glad I can send him this now so he is prepared for this ride but I have to say I am a Bon Iver, Damien Rice Indie folk kinda girl and have been for about 6 years so I have troubles stomaching RnB myself when I hang out with my friends, It’s just painful to listen to. I do laugh my heart out and detest having to explain or translate jokes, glad to know I’m not the only one.

    I enjoyed your article. Light hearted and amusing. It is at
    least 80% accurate in terms of the generalisations and it soul candy. We need such as South Africans.

  46. Hagen i love his blog.. i honestly love the fact that you are open about your experience.in my case my high school sweethearts parents dispised me without knowing me that they pushed him to date a woman 10 years olders (considering our ages at that time). maybe if we communicated better. But i am glad you proud of having your queen ;)

  47. what a laugh, my in laws are coming and they will be staying for three months again, so that means having dinner every single day with a knife and fork… love your blog.

  48. Nina please get a life! clearly your IQ needs to be checked or r u such a bitter person that even the most candid satirical writing is triggered as wrong in your mind. get over whatever it is that is bugging you or keep it to yourself.Hagen great article, its good to sometimes talk abt these things, no pretense.
    Thanks

  49. Nima, clearly you have some very serious personal issues that you need to deal with as is reflected by your somewhat unintelligible and unnecessary rant. In fact, I think you may be the one who is illiterate! Hagen\\\’s article is not only hilarious and well written, but it reflects a light-hearted but candid truth about what people in inter-racial relationships have to deal with. And as for him mentioning racism, of course we all are racist, whether one wants to admit it or not. It\\\’s how we have been conditioned to think but the difference is, some of us use it in a positive way… why?… because it\\\’s the only way we can ever hope to eradicate it. My advice to you Nima is, lighten up because your attitude doesn\\\’t help anybody, including and especially yourself.

  50. Hagen well done , just came across this now only . This was so funny and well written it actually makes me wanna date a man of a different culture or ethnic group . Some brothers don\\\’t appreciate us the way someone from a totally different walk of life … \\\’Our wife \\\’ is what my friend is refered to as everyday and I just cnt help bt laugh coz she still finds it strange lol ai ya ne ! Great stuff Hagen

  51. Awsome read, hagen. Looking forward to reading more of your posts, you have a very funny,cool way of relating,lol. But as a 40something sexy \\\\”coloured\\\\” caramel babe in cpt, I find it extremely hard to meet white guys who\\\\’s interested in more than just a \\\\”pomp\\\\”. Where are you guys hiding? Pls do send some my way, hagen

    • I’m thrilled you enjoy my writing, Shienaaz. I know there are some decent guys out there. Especially the slightly older ones who might have got the pomping impulse out of their systems.

  52. Lol @ pomping impulse… Well if there are any, then I\’m probably not at the right place at the right time… I\’m not saying I don\’t enjoy the art of lovemaking as much as the next guy( hey, I\’m a taurus and we lot are wellknown for our sensual artistry) but a girl appreciates a little romance too isn\’t it? Your lady is a very lucky woman to have such an insightfull guy.. I\’ve always had a personal preference for white guys and it has absolutely nothing to do with race(just as some women prefer big/small/fat/thin etc guys)Maybe if you do happen to come across any uncles or single dads of friends, drop me a mesage and send them my way? :)

    • Well done, Karl. It seems you get it. The piece is satirising small-town PE insecurity about constantly losing its punters to the glamour of Cape Town. Obviously PE locals have to justify their living in the Bay – they do it something like this. I’ve never made it to the PE Casino at 3am, but I’m sure it’s exactly as you describe. ;-)

  53. Very intresting and funny, am from west africa Ghana hav always known since I was young that I will marry a white man I remember staying glued to the television watching Dw tv my favourite tv chanel where I get the chance to see western cultures , people and food not that i dont like my culture or my food i luv my traditional foods as well,my heart feels at peace everytym I watch it imagining my self married to a white guy praticing all that culture and the food I luv cooking , its not dat easy to find a white man and I mean a good classy one in my country unless u r ready to be going out to hotles and night clubs which if not lucky u will be classified as a prostitute , not also that I dont like black guys its just dat I dont understand them maybe dey dont understand me I think am more white dan black or maybe too much tv I guess but what soo ever it is I luv white men I hav had d chance to date few which wasnt bad at all but didnt end up in marriage still hoping for best in the near future , I hav friends who got them selfs white guys as husbands oh boy I get jealous sumtyms ,seeing their husbands in traditinal ghanaian clothings its soo cute and trying to eat local foods lol its funny sumtyms .

  54. Lol this is such a great read!! I cracked at the hair part, this one white guy once asked me how I could invest so much time on my hair! I can tell you have experienced all this first hand. I love South Africa, our differences are very interesting.

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