Smoke cigarettes, play golf, don’t be fazed

Mike isn‚t usually fazed. He‚s a chaperone in the movie industry, so he‚s used to celebrities.
But Nic Cage and Colin Farrell are bigger than usual. These okes are, like, A-list. So Mike can‚t help it. He gets starstruck. He checks these okes on set every day, and he wants to meet them.
But the rule is, no eye contact. Let alone conversation. So how‚s he gonna meet them, there‚s no chance!
But Mike knows how it works. It doesn‚t mean you can‚t talk to them, just if you talk to them, you gotta make it count. So he goes online and checks out, what are these guys into. How can he get their attention?
And says there, no, the okes are into golf. They golfers. So then Mike knows immediately what he‚s gonna do. He‚s going to invite them for a round of golf at Silvermine Golf Club!
The thing with Silvermine, though, is it‚s about the most exclusive club in Cape Town. You can‚t get in there. It‚s, like, a one-year waiting list.
But Mike‚s not fazed.
That kind of stuff you can sort out later. The first step is just to invite them.
He‚s actually chaperoning the DOP, so he‚s allowed to be right there on set. And he makes out how Colin Farrell smokes a lot. The oke‚s forever roking, and forever bumming smokes.
So he just makes sure that he‚s standing just near Colin‚s trailer when his shot ends, smoking a ciggie.
Colin can‚t resist.
So he bums one, and Mike drops a quick, „So Mr Farrell, I hear you‚re a golfer∑‰
Again, he can‚t resist. And he‚s heard of Silvermine. And again, he can‚t resist the chance of a game there. And he‚ll tune Nic as well. They‚ll be delighted to come play a game with Mike this Saturday.
By the time he leaves set that day. Mike‚s down to play a round at Silvermine with Nic Cage and Colin Farrell.
Remaining obstacles: Mike‚s not a member of Silvermine. He doesn‚t have a booking. He can‚t play golf.
But it‚s fine. He‚s not fazed. He just goes for it. Picks Nic and Colin up at the Mount Nelson at 10am on Saturday, in the special Mercedes from work, and heads down to Silvermine.
They roll into the parking lot, a bodyguards/managers car behind and Mike tunes, just wait here a second, I‚m gonna just go chat to them inside.
He jogs into the pro shop and says, „I‚d to play a round of golf. And hire some clubs.‰
The pro tunes him. No ways, you can‚t just rock up and play! You need to book at least a year in advance!
Mike tunes, „What! We have to play right now! I‚ve got Colin Farell and Nic Cage in the parking lot. They want to play now. Can you put me in touch with the club chairman?‰
It turns out Nicky Oppenheimer is the chairman. So they get him on the line, and Mike says, „Nicky, listen, you gotta help me out. I‚ve got Colin Farrell and Nic Cage here and we want to play golf right now!‰
Nicky says, Hmm. Okay listen. I‚ll make a plan, but you‚ve gotta give up your slot for me. So I get to play a round with Nic and Colin.
Mike‚s not fazed. He tunes, fine. As long as I get to drive the golf cart.

Writer for television, print and digital, corporate and editorial. Editor and writer of books. Musical performance, spoken word as Inspector Ras. Guitar/vocals for The Near Misses, (Worst Band In JoburgTM). The last whitey at umsebenzi. Latest book 415 Action-Packed Neighbourhood Marketing Tips with Basil O'Hagan, out now. @hagenengler

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